Men are simple. Women are complex. Men want to act toward women as if they were as simple as men. Women want to act toward men as if they were as complex as women. Thus, neither gender reacts the way the other gender thinks they should. This leads to conflict.

For example, take the basic fight-starting question, “Do I look fat?” First, you know it’s a woman asking the question. Men are perfectly capable of categorizing themselves as either fat or thin without any outside consultation. They feel no need to discuss the matter. Women can also do this, but that isn’t the point of the question.

When a woman asks a man That Question, she is seeking validation. She wants him to say that no matter how she looks, he still loves her. She wants him to say so in a manner that does not seem to be avoiding answering the question, or that even hints that he does indeed think she is fat. Moreover, she wants him to realize that that is the kind of response she’s looking for without having to tell him, and to be able to formulate an appropriate statement at a moment’s notice, no matter how distracted, hurried, tired, drunk, or otherwise of diminished capacity he may be. This feat of mental prestidigitation on the man’s part is sought after by the woman as a trophy, a symbol of his undying desire for her, proof that, despite the rigors of life, thoughts of her are foremost in his mind. By producing an answer that satisfies her, he can feed the fire of their passion and reassure her that he is not planning to run off with that anorexic little bimbo from the office.

When a man hears That Question, his first instinct is to give her a good looking over and declare, in his honest opinion, if she looks fat. Question asked and answered, time to move on.

Fortunately, most of us men have become civilized enough to know *not* to follow our first instincts in this sort of situation. But we still haven’t worked out why women like to back us into such corners when all we want to do is watch TV or have sex, depending on the situation.

As a counter-example, consider the equally contentious question, “So, what do you want to do tonight?” A man can ask this question of another man with little difficulty. There are really only four things a guy wants to do with his spare time: eat, drink, be visually entertained, and have sex. Since in this case one man is asking another, sex is most likely out of the picture. With a grunt and a noncommittal shrug, they’re off for a burger, and a beer at the tittie bar. Time well spent.

When the man asks his female significant other, “So, what do you want to do tonight?” that’s when the headaches begin. The ideal answer a woman can give to that question involves a large, fire-grilled steak, a quantity of alcohol, and sex with the woman being asked. Usually sequentially rather than simultaneously, but I’m not here to judge. Actually, the ideal answer also includes one of her girlfriends from the health club, but evolution has mostly weeded out those men who will bring up that subject prior to the booze portion of the evening. Anyway, when the woman responds to the question, the man filters what she says for keywords such as, “dinner,” “drinks,” and “horizontal mambo.” This is easier than actually listening and achieves largely the same result.

Which is a shame, really, considering all the work that she puts into her answer. Upon hearing the question, she performs an instant analysis of her relationship with him. Is he being sensitive to her needs by letting her choose where they go and what they do, or does he just not care enough anymore to go to the trouble to decide himself? Is he testing her to see if she knows what he enjoys and if she will put his desires above her own? Did he remember this is the opening night of the new art show? He said he didn’t want to go. Is this his sly way of getting her to “force” him to go, so he can claim it wasn’t his idea when he tells his friends about it at work tomorrow? Should she appreciate his willingness to go to the show for her sake, or be upset at his attempt to manipulate her? Even if she did get angry and confront him, he would just deny the whole thing. That’s so like him. Well, she’ll teach him a lesson. She won’t even mention the art show. If he wants to take her to the show, he can damn well bring it up himself. Still, it was a nice gesture. If it was a gesture.

She continues on in that vein, a firestorm of thought of which the man is totally unaware. She dumps him three times, marries him twice, has four of his children, and winds up running over him with the minivan before deciding to break up with him for real a year from now if she doesn’t wind up at that art show tonight, and telling him that dinner out someplace and maybe a movie would be fine.

Responding to the words “dinner” and “movie” like a plant turning toward the sunlight, he says, “Great! What do you want to see?” and is utterly befuddled when she groans in exasperation and storms out of the room.

Contrast this with the woman asking the man exactly the same question. When he says, “I dunno. Dinner and a movie?” what he is actually thinking is, “I dunno. Dinner and a movie? My nose itches.” (Note: It’s not always the nose.)

The biggest difference in this case, though, is that the woman only asks this question after she has already planned the events of the evening. By the time the man hears the words, “What do you want to do tonight?” he is already doomed to stalk the aisles of the art show, his otherwise vacant eyes searching for any other man sharing his torment so they can trade commiserating chin-nods. The asking of the question is a formality at best, just a roundabout way of saying, “Here’s what we’re doing tonight.”

His only hope is to have anticipated the moment and to describe to her in intimate detail the candlelit dinner, horse-drawn carriage ride, and suite at the fanciest hotel in town with a bed covered in rose petals that he pre-arranged as a surprise because he just loves her that much. And, let’s face it, that’s not going to happen.

So remember, men, if you’re trying to deal with a woman who seems to go off for no readily apparent reason, who seems to look for things to fight about, who deals with every little decision like your whole relationship depends on it, take heart. There is a reason. It is, however, beyond your capacity to understand. Just try to roll with it.

And women, if you’re trying to deal with a man who never picks up on your hints, who is tactless enough to answer your questions honestly, who never seems to recognize the far- reaching implications of anything, be gentle. We aren’t deliberately ignoring your signals, testing your worth as a mate, or trying to sabotage the relationship so we can get rid of you without having to be the one to break it off. We’re not that clever, by and large. We’re just a simple straightforward gender trying to make it through another day in this hectic modern workaday world. The less you read into us, and the less you try to get us to read into you, the happier we’ll all be.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 12th, 2002 at 12:52 pm and is filed under Essays/Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.