Dash Mercury: Chapter 14
I’m uncomfortable letting people read what I wrote at the beginning of this chapter, but it’s necessary to understand the rest. Plus it’s funny.
“Abbazia” is a synonym for “church.” Another synonym for “church” is “kirk.” If I had finished this book, all the ship captains’ names were going to be synonyms of “church.”
Chapter 14: The Thing with the Stuff
Effulgia sighed in sapphic post-coital bliss. She gazed across the room toward Haley, who was wrapped in a silken sheet, staring out the window into the unfathomable expanse outside.
“Amazing,” Haley said, awestruck.
“I know,” Effulgia replied. “You were surprisingly competent yourself.”
Haley giggled. “I meant this,” she explained, gesturing toward the window. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“You keep saying that. How can that be?” Effulgia prompted, standing naked out of her bed and crossing over to the young girl. “Is it not the same wherever you are from?”
“Not even close,” Haley admitted, allowing Effulgia to stand behind her and wrap her arms around Haley’s waist. “Your entire sky is full of light. Ours is mostly black, with small points of light called stars. It’s nothing like this.”
“Small points of light? How could anyone see?”
“They’re not really small. Stars are huge, larger than any planet. Most of them are so far away, though, that they appear to be very small.”
“Yes, I have seen this. At night, the light comes from below, illuminating the bottoms of the higher landmasses. The effect is quite striking.”
“It doesn’t sound exactly the same, but close.”
“Tell me,” Effulgia asked, “why have you come to this place from your – what did you call it?”
“Ohio.”
“Yes, Ohio.”
Haley shrugged. “It wasn’t my idea. I was visiting my grandfather when this strange man showed up, called us the Child of Destiny, and brought us here.”
“I see. And how did he do that?”
“Beats me. Have you seen my pants?” Haley stepped out of Effulgia’s grasp and started looking around the floor.
Effulgia explained, “Servants have taken them to be cleaned.” She didn’t add, “And analyzed for evidence of point of origin.” Instead, she walked over to one wall, which slid aside to reveal an enormous wardrobe. “If you wish to dress, you may select from among these.”
Haley, clutching the sheet around her, sashayed to the gargantuan collection of impractical dresses, elaborate headwear, and uncomfortably complex-looking shoes. She flipped past several, seeking the most modest one she could find. “These are beautiful,” she effused.
“I design them myself,” Effulgia confessed.
“I believe you,” Haley said, passing on a sequined blue gown with less material than Cher’s most outrageous ensemble. “So, your father is the ruler of the entire universe, you say?”
“So we believed,” Effulgia replied, picking out a gold spangled outfit with more fringe than fabric. “Either we have been wrong all this time, or you are lying. In either case,” she added, holding the dress in front of her, “You are a most interesting find.”
“Actually,” Haley countered, finally settling on something that would at least cover more than it revealed, “there is a third possibility. I think I’m from a different universe entirely.”
Effulgia laughed, a soul-crushing noise. “Another universe? Nonsense!”
“Okay,” Haley relented, wriggling into her chosen outfit. “There is no other universe, I’m lying, and you’ve just never heard of Ohio because it is beyond the emperor’s reach.”
Effulgia stepped over and slapped Haley hard across the face. “Never speak of my father in that way! He is all-powerful!”
Haley rubbed her cheek. “But you just said—“
Effulgia sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. “I am his daughter. It is not your place to doubt him.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Haley apologized. She took Effulgia into her arms and embraced her. “Let’s not fight. We were having such a good time.”
“You hurt me,” Effulgia replied.
Outside the door to Effulgia’s suite, there was a brief commotion. Haley and Effulgia released each other and tried to step away, only to find that the various baubles and protrusions on their selected clothing had become entangled, hooking them to each other.
The suite doors flew open with a bang. Standing in the opening were two men in the uniforms of the imperial navy, their faces obscured by the angle of their hats. As they stepped forward into the room, Effulgia roared, “What is the meaning of this?”
One of them drew a gun. “Don’t move, your highness,” he said.
The other one whipped off his hat. “Haley?” he cried.
“Grandpa?” Haley asked, confused.
“Get away from that woman this instant, young lady!” Archie ordered.
Haley looked down at her predicament. “Um, I can’t,” she declared.
“She’s gotten to you! Haley, snap out of it!”
Effulgia interrupted imperiously, “How dare you come in here and threaten me?! I will have you both flayed alive for this.”
“No, Grandpa, I can’t. I physically am unable. We’re… sort of… attached,” she finished, lamely. She leaned away from Effulgia to illustrate.
“Oh. Well, get unhooked and get over here. We’re leaving.”
Suddenly, alarm klaxons started going off. The one with the gun said, “I told you we should have shot the kid.”
Effulgia twisted around, grabbed Haley’s neck with her arm, and held her between herself and the intruders. “The only things you will do are suffer and die.” She placed her free hand on the top of Haley’s head. Haley struggled to free herself from Effulgia’s grasp, but her dress had become a tangle, constricting her movements.
“Guards will be here shortly. Surrender peacefully to them, and this girl will survive the day. Do anything else, and I will break her neck.”
“Effulgia Hai,” said the one with the gun, “You are guilty of crimes against humanity and decency too numerous to list. I hereby sentence you to death.” He lifted the gun and aimed for Effulgia’s head. She ducked behind Haley.
“What?” Archie cried. “Are you nuts? You’ll hit Haley.”
“I don’t care,” Docian admitted. “I told you, she is unimportant. I cannot waste this opportunity.”
Archie slammed into Docian, knocking the gun out of his hands and sending it spinning across the floor. The two of them sprawled onto the floor. Effulgia dragged Haley to the far side of the room, where she opened a panel in the wall and pulled out a gun of her own. She leveled it and aimed for the two men.
Haley pulled with all her might, ripping out of her borrowed dress, knocking off Effulgia’s aim in the process. She grabbed Effulgia’s gun hand. Effulgia kicked her in the shin. Haley flinched, but did not let go. She pushed, and the two of them toppled onto the bed, wrestling for control of the pistol.
Across the room, Archie and Docian scrambled along the floor in a race to Docian’s death ray. Docian was ahead, but Archie grabbed Docian’s ankle and used it to drag Docian backward. Archie got to the gun first. He pointed it at Docian and said, “Now we do things my way, got it?” Docian nodded, never taking his eyes off the working end of the death ray emitter.
Archie stood up, his aching joints protesting, and crept over to the bed where the women were still fighting. Averting his eyes from his granddaughter, Archie concentrated on getting close to Effulgia. He placed the tip of his pistol to Effulgia’s temple. “Stop it,” he said simply.
Effulgia realized she was in a losing situation. “Don’t kill me!” she begged. She released her grip on her gun and let Haley take it from her. “I’ll give you anything you want.”
“Haley?” Archie said, “get off this crazy woman and go put something on, please.”
“Yes, Grandpa,” she said, rolled off of Effulgia, and hurried over to the closet.
“Something decent!” he called after her.
“I’ll do my best,” she replied.
Archie turned his attention back to Effulgia. “I’m going to have to live with that image in my head now, thanks to you.” Archie turned his head so he could see Docian. “You said you had a ship?”
Docian nodded. “In the aft hangar.”
“Ha!” Effulgia laughed. “The ship is on full alert. You’ll never make it.”
“Docian, can we get there through the maintenance tunnels?” Archie asked.
“There’s no way. They don’t connect. There’s a blast barrier built in to the ship’s infrastructure fore of the hangar in case of explosion.”
Archie felt Haley move up beside him. “Point your gun at her,” he told her. Then he looked over at her. “What the hell are you wearing now?”
She shifted her shoulders uncomfortably, careful not to lose her aim. “I think the material conforms to whoever puts it on, but at least I’m covered.”
Archie shook his head to clear it, and then clambered across the bed so that Effulgia was between him and the door. “Docian, find something to tie her up with,” he ordered.
“Ooh,” Effulgia commented. “Maybe I did pick the wrong one.” Docian’s eyes wandered around the room, searching for something appropriate. “The closet to your left,” she suggested. “The one on the second shelf is my favorite.”
Docian looked helplessly at Archie, who nodded. As Docian entered the closet, Archie said to Effulgia, “All right. You’re the evil yet beautiful daughter of a ruthless, world-conquering dictator, with your own personal spaceship with and within which you do whatever you want. Am I right?”
Effulgia nodded. “Pretty much.”
“In that case,” Archie continued, “I bet you have some sort of escape route off of this crate, in the event that revolutionaries storm the place and take it over. Your daddy would insist.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Effulgia denied. Docian arrived, carrying a complicated mass of plastic straps and metal buckles. “Mmm, I’m being bad. You should punish me.”
“God, woman,” Archie exclaimed, “can you lay off the crude innuendo for five minutes? Docian, tie her up. Make sure she can still walk. And make sure she doesn’t enjoy it.”
“Right,” Docian agreed. He climbed onto the bed and started restraining Effulgia, while Archie and Haley kept a bead on her. At several points, she had to explain to him where everything went.
They heard the sound of running footsteps in the hallway. Archie shouted, “Haley, close those doors, then get back over here!”
She ran to comply, saying, “You mean those really flimsy, decorative doors over there? Sure.” She slammed the two doors together, and then grabbed one end of the sash hanging over the door and wrapped it around the door handles several times. “That’ll hold them,” she said without conviction as she returned to Archie.
“It’s time to go,” Archie proclaimed. “Docian, stand her up.” Docian lifted Effulgia, whose arms were now secured behind her back, and helped her get to her feet. “Now,” Archie repeated, “where is your escape craft, or personal flyer, or whatever you call it?”
Docian asked, “How can you be so sure she has one?”
“The villain always has an escape plan,” Haley explained, to Archie’s surprise.
The door to the suite exploded inward in a cloud of smoke. “Everyone, get behind her,” Archie called. “They won’t risk shooting her.” The trio gathered around the bound woman.
“Give up now,” Effulgia sneered. “You eventual deaths will be painful, but if you surrender, I promise, you will eventually die.”
“I’m not too familiar with these death ray things,” Archie mused. “If I shoot her in the foot, will it just kill her foot, or all of her?”
“Excuse me,” said a voice from the smoking remains of the doorway. “My name is Captain Abbazia. This is my ship. You have no way out of that room or off of this ship. We cannot risk harming Her Ladyship in an attempt to recapture you. I believe we can come to some accommodation.”
Archie, Haley, and Docian traded glances. Haley piped up, “What did you have in mind?”
“We know you have a ship waiting in our hangar. Release Her Ladyship and take me in her place. You will be guaranteed safe passage to your ship. I will then accompany you to the nearest landmass with an atmosphere. Drop me off there and be on your way. My men won’t fire upon your ship with me aboard it.”
“What do you think?” Archie whispered.
“You can’t trust him,” Docian indicated.
“It does sound like too good a deal to be true,” Haley agreed.
“I’d do it if I were you,” advised Effulgia.
“Hey, Captain… what was your name?” Archie called out.
“Abbazia.”
“Abbazia, right. Nice to meet you. I want you to settle a disagreement we were having just before you arrived.”
“Anything I can do to help.”
“Is there or is there not some sort of personal escape craft for Her Freakiness’ use accessible from this room?”
“There is the ship’s boat, one deck up. You’ll find an access hatch in one of the closets.”
“Will it hold four people?”
“Yes.”
“All right, then. Here’s the deal. We three take Effulgia and yourself up to the ship’s boat. No one follows us, and no one meets us there or she dies. You come with us on the boat, and we leave her behind. We’ll drop you off somewhere once we know we’re safe.”
“What about your ship?” Abbazia asked.
“Yeah,” Docian asked, “what about my ship?”
Archie asked him, “What if they power it up and throw it out the back?”
Docian shook his head. “No good. It’s got security features. Fatal ones.”
“Do you need your ship, really? Is it that big a deal?”
“It’s my ship,” Docian reiterated.
“All right,” Archie called out again, “new plan! Captain, you personally escort Docian to his ship and accompany him away from here. Once we have proof that you’re out there, we and Effulgia will go up and take the ship’s boat. We’ll rendezvous somewhere to be determined later. You take the boat and your princess one way, we go another. No one dies, everyone’s happy. What do you say?”
Abbazia replied, “This is acceptable.”
“Great. Finally. Do you guys have radios?” Archie asked.
“Radios?”
“Long distance communication device, so we can talk to each other.”
“Of course.”
“Good. Give one to Docian and one to us. I want constant contact between us.”
There was a short pause. Abbazia said, “Done. I am ready to come in to give the radios to you. I am unarmed.”
“Come on in,” Archie invited. Abbazia was a tall, handsome man in the uniform of the empire. His arms were outstretched to the sides, and in each hand he carried a box with an antenna.
“No tricks,” Archie warned.
“No tricks,” Abbazia agreed.
“Put them on the bed and stand back,” Archie commanded. His hand was starting to cramp from holding the death ray so tightly. Abbazia did as he was told.
Archie nodded to Docian. “Go get them, and make sure they work.” Docian cautiously split from the pack and crawled over the bed to reach the radios. He flicked each one on, selected a broadcast channel, and ensured they each one could both send and receive. Then, he nodded his satisfaction to Archie.
“All right. Docian, hand me one of those, and get going.” Docian rejoined the group and gave over one of the devices.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Docian mumbled.
“That makes, I’m guessing, three of us at minimum.”
Abbazia asked, “Shall we go?”
“Wait,” Archie suddenly exclaimed. “Abbazia, show us the way to the ship’s boat first. She was a bit reluctant earlier.” Abbazia nodded, and led them to another room. In the closet of that room, Abbazia revealed the sliding panel behind which stood a ladder. At the top of the small chamber was a heavy hatch.
“If that will be all,” Abbazia excused himself.
“Remember,” Archie reminded him. “If anything happens, your princess dies.”
“Of course. Shall we, Docian?”
As Docian and the captain left, Archie reminded Docian, “Stay in constant contact.”
“All right already,” Docian replied.
It took fifteen minutes for Docian and Captain Abbazia to navigate through the ship to the rear hangar. The entire time, Archie and Docian took turns asking each other over the radio if the other was okay. Beyond the door to the room, troops stood ready to attack at Effulgia’s order or the first hint of violence. They hated missing out on the first hint of violence. Effulgia, for her part alternated through phases of pleading for her life, making threats, and hitting on pretty much everyone and everything.
Finally, the message came over the radio, “We’re on board. Preparing to leave. The captain behaved himself.”
“Roger,” Archie replied. “We’re on the move.” He added, “By the way, I assume we’re being eavesdropped upon. There had better not be anyone waiting where we’re going. If so, and I hate to keep bringing this up but circumstances demand it, your princess will die.”
“Fear not,” Abbazia said over the radio. “They all know what Emperor Lao will do to them if his daughter is injured.”
Haley went up first, after some discussion. Archie didn’t want Effulgia to go up first in case someone was waiting there to grab her and whisk her away. Haley, on the other hand, thought they might shoot the first head to poke out of the hatchway, and therefore Effulgia should go first. Finally, they compromised by sending up Haley, on the premise that anyone watching their point of exit for something to shoot might be confused by Haley’s appearance in Effulgia’s clothes at least long enough for her to react and get out of the way.
They need not have worried. The small compartment was empty, other than the dominating presence of what appeared to be a giant, hot pink manta ray. They closed the hatch behind them.
“That’s your ship’s boat?” Archie asked.
Effulgia smiled. “I had some work done on it.”
“Right. Whatever,” Archie said, dismissively. “Everybody pile into the Barbie Dream spaceship and let’s get out of here.” They walked around the ship, failing to find any way to enter the vessel. “Where’s the door?” Archie re-emphasized the fact that he had a gun by sticking it up under Effulgia’s nose. “Tell us, or—“
“Or, you’ll kill me,” she completed wearily. “Yes, I know. There’s a hatch on the top.”
Haley scrambled up onto the ship while Archie kept his gun pointed at Effulgia. When she yelled out, “Found it!” he waved her up with his gun. Then Haley took over the task of guarding Effulgia while Archie lumbered his way up onto the hull. Through a similar process of trading responsibilities, they made it inside.
Where they stood in a small cabin, staring dumbly at the pilot and copilot’s seats.
“Hmm,” Archie hmmed.
“So, uh, we may have forgotten something,” Haley offered.
“What?” Effulgia asked.
“Yeah, I was just thinking that,” Archie agreed.
“What?” Effulgia repeated.
“I guess I’ll just come out and ask,” Haley volunteered. “Does anyone know how to fly this thing?” Effulgia broke out into cruel, boisterous laughter.
“Hey,” Archie said defensively. “There was a lot going on back there. So I missed a few details. So what?”
Effulgia, gasping for air, said, “You people are the worst kidnappers I’ve ever had.”
Haley shrugged. “It’s our first heist.”
“On the whole,” Archie added, “I think we’re doing pretty well, considering the circumstances.” This did nothing to calm Effulgia’s guffaws. She did, however, walk to the pilot’s seat and sit down.
“Honestly,” she said as she activated the power-up sequence, “What would you do without me?”
“Probably live through the night,” Archie muttered. The pink manta ship lifted off from the deck. Bay doors quickly slid open in front of it, and in a moment it was in open space.
Haley sat in the copilot’s chair and gawked out the front view port. “Look at that,” she sighed. “Land floating in the sky like clouds. Amazing.”
“Of course,” Effulgia sneered. “What else would there be?”
“We’re used to planets and stars where we come from.”
“Haley!” Archie admonished, “Shush! She doesn’t need to know where we come from.”
The ship banked left. The Perdition came into view, its guns visibly tracking the small flying boat. “You might want to give me some idea where to fly this thing,” Effulgia suggested. “Otherwise, I might just take it back to its hangar and let my soldiers take their shot at you.”
Archie, who was staring off into the hypnotic surreality of the sky around him, jerked back to awareness with Effulgia’s comment. He brought the radio to his mouth and said, “Docian, can you hear me?”
The answer was full of static, but audible. “I hear you.”
“Where should we meet?”
“There’s a landmass at bearing 45 by 10 from the Perdition. Meet on the far side of that, out of sight of the big ship.”
Archie asked Effulgia, “You know where that is?”
“Of course.” The ship weaved and swooped, settling down on a new course below the Perdition.
Haley commented, “You’re being awfully cooperative, Effulgia. I really appreciate it.” She reached over and put her hand on Effulgia’s shoulder.
“It has nothing to do with you,” Effulgia denied, shaking off the hand. “I still have a lot to do today. I want to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.”
“Still,” Haley persisted, “thank you.”
Effulgia laughed as Archie burst forth with, “What? Are you thanking her for throwing us in a cage, for torturing us on that table, or for trying to kill you when we came to rescue you?”
“No, Grandpa. I meant… oh forget it!”
“Haley, my darling,” Effulgia said, reaching over and taking her hand. “I just want you to know….” She paused, brought Haley’s hand to her lips, kissed her fingers, and continued, “…that you meant absolutely nothing to me.” Haley gasped and yanked her hand away. “You were merely a morning’s entertainment, that’s all. An interchangeable, disposable plaything.”
“But…” Haley stuttered.
“While I applaud your enthusiasm,” Effulgia continued, “Your skills are mediocre at best. With your looks, you should really work on that.”
“I don’t want to hear this,” Archie moaned.
Haley shouted, “You bitch!” and punched Effulgia in the jaw with her free hand. The ship swerved and plunged downward in response to Effulgia’s reaction. The smirk on her face as she righted herself and the ship was short lived. It died upon meeting Haley’s absconded death ray pistol pressed against her cheek. “I’ll kill you, you whore!”
Archie enfolded Haley in a bear hug from behind, pinning her arms to her side. He didn’t have the strength to hold her, but was hoping that whatever drove her to visit him every month at the retirement center despite the total lack of encouragement would also compel her not to do him harm now.
“Calm down, Haley,” he whispered to her. “You can’t kill her right now. We need her.” Louder, he said to Effulgia, “This is the second time today that someone has decided to kill you shortly after meeting you. Have you considered that there might be something about you that brings this out in people?”
Haley relaxed in Archie’s grip and began sobbing. “It’s okay, shh,” Archie consoled her, turning her into the more traditional hug orientation. “Don’t let the mean evil lesbian bother you. It’s what she wants. Go in the back and see if there’s a place you can wash your face. I’ll guard her for a while.”
Haley nodded and mumbled, “Okay.” Archie let go of her. She stepped toward the rear of the cabin.
Archie sat down in the copilot’s seat, his pistol aimed in Effulgia’s general direction. Ahead, a mass of land filled the view port. He studied the controls in front of him. It looked to him like a standard flight stick control system. The purpose of the gauges and switches was still a mystery, but he had seen Effulgia work the throttle. He could probably work out the rest if he had to, Archie judged.
“Are we there yet?” Archie asked impatiently.
“Just a few more minutes,” Effulgia assured him.
“You know, that was not a nice thing you did to my granddaughter just now.”
“I’m not a nice person.”
“Well, obviously. Still it was kind of gratuitous, don’t you think?”
“I only regret that you were not as offended as she. That would have warmed my heart.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve been around. I’ve seen and heard worse at more than one loading dock. I tell you, after you’ve listened to a couple of big dyke truckers get going after each other, nothing else will shock you anymore. But Haley? She’s still young and sensitive. You hurt her. She’s going to remember that. So will I.”
“Tell me something… Archie, is it?”
“That’s me.”
“Tell me, Archie. Moments ago, you dismissed me as not worth listening to. So, why are you now offering me your tedious, pedestrian advice?”
“It’s like this. Old folks like me have a lot of advice built up inside them. They have to let it out once in a while or they explode. And maybe you’re still young enough to learn something from an old fart like me. I don’t know if I approve of Haley’s decisions. Then again, I don’t suppose it matters if I do. But, if she’s going to waste her time on someone like you, I figure it’s my family responsibility to kick people like you in the ass until one of you shapes up.”
“There’s your ride,” Effulgia said, point out the view port. Far ahead, a speck of black stood against the yellow sky.
“Great!” Archie said, adding, “Say, can these things dock together or something?”
They could, and did. Archie had Effulgia bring her ship to a stop. Docian then maneuvered his above hers, aligning his bottom hatch with her top access. Archie suggested that they should take Effulgia’s vessel and leave their hostages in Docian’s to confuse pursuit, but Docian insisted on keeping his own.
People transferred back and forth until finally, Archie, Docian, and Haley were all on Docian’s ship, and Effulgia and Captain Abbazia were on the other. Before disconnecting the two ships, Archie called down through the connecting passage, “Sorry about all this. It’s all been a huge misunderstanding. We won’t bother you again.”
The ships separated. Effulgia returned to her place in the pilot’s seat and activated her radio. “Perdition, this is Lady Effulgia, come in.”
“Yes, your Ladyship,” the radio responded. “Are you and the captain well?”
“Launch fighters immediately! Chase down the vessel leaving this location and shoot it out of the sky!”
“They’re already on the way, Your Ladyship. Perdition closing to rendezvous with you before joining the pursuit.”
“Excellent.” She switched off the radio and turned to Abbazia, who had taken up position in the chair beside hers. “Remind me to have guns mounted on this boat, Captain. I find myself dissatisfied that I cannot hunt them down personally.”
